hate and self-portraiture.

I'm having a hard time, in whatever sense that means- depressed as hell, and isolating, on the brink of a lot of feelings that I haven't allowed myself to feel yet. Instead of feeling them, I got really sick, and then you know when suddenly everything you can think of seems all wrong even when there's nothing wrong? I wake up in the morning and hate my own face, I hate the haircut that I gave myself out of desperation the other day, I hate my no-talent photos and I hate my camera, I hate my clothes and so I can't stand to do laundry, I hate that I can't breathe and that my head is pounding, I hate the rain, I hate the thought of doing anything but sleeping, I don't want to be around anybody. Most of all, except not really yet, I hate my parents- I hate what they did to my brain, I hate that I don't have a birth family and I hate my father more than anyone I can think of, but instead, right now, I feel like I hate everything else.

I've been packing.


And I've been looking at other people's photos... self-portraiture now, more than anything else, I think to combat how much self-hatred I've been holding. All of the self-portrait artists I've found today are women. Their work is outlandish, elaborate, dramatic and beautiful, totally unlike anything I would ever think to do or anything I would've thought would appeal to me. This Canadian photographer I found, Katie West, sums it up well, I think-

"Working as a self-portrait artist doesn't really make sense. It’s not a profitable gig. It's hard for people to understand. Other photographers look down on it. People believe you're egotistical and narcissistic. It's a rough route to take, and many female self-portrait artists in particular spend a lot of time defending why they do it. But even this defending why we do it, is part of the process. The process of self-portraiture is as endlessly rewarding as it is challenging. For the last decade I’ve used self-portraits to document my life; as awkward, as ridiculous, as painful, as erotic as it might be. This objective can be reflected in my work in an intimate, often vulnerable fashion as I work out my personal feelings and how certain things in my life affect me. The self-portrait process can be like purging emotions from my system; performing photographic exorcisms on memories I want to forget, and promises I want unmade."

Here are some of the photographers I've been looking at- check em out if you have time, they're pretty insane...
http://www.photolauren.com/
http://katiewest.ca/
http://rebekkagudleifs.com/self-portraits.php
http://www.flickr.com/photos/hilabean/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/annaszczek/